I've tried to kick this smoking habit a few times. Mostly it's been because I didn't have the money to keep on puffing away, or because I wanted to make someone else happy. Typically it was my parents that were the people I was trying to please. With them being 3 states away there was really no one to check up on me and make sure I was doing what I was supposed to be doing. I didn't care. It wasn't for me. It was too easy to cave in and smoke. Smoke. Smoke.
God. I fucking love smoking. I love the first cigarette of the day, I love the last one before I go to sleep, I love having one after a meal, I love completing a task and smoking my face off. I love it. Smoke smoke smoke. Happy happy happy. When something goes super well, I smoke. When something falls apart and leaves me feeling like everything in the world is shit, I smoke. When I'm bored, I smoke. When I've got something to do, I smoke. Smoke smoke smoke. Happy happy happy. Smoke smoke smoke. Awesome. I fucking love it.
Recently I've been thinking, "Why do I do this?" "Why waste my time and money?" "What would a day without smoking be like?" "Who will I kill?" I've also felt a need to not get old and coughy and shitty and die faster. Life is different when you've got a bunch of things to live for and things you want to accomplish... aspirations and shit. It makes me want to take my time and skate through the circus of ups and downs, highs, lows, joys, pains and hope, and not accelerate the trip to the grave. If I'm gonna die, I'm going to make it on my own terms, not some bigwig corporate asshole who is living in a super fancy house driving a super fast car while I sit by, feeding the beast, wondering how I'm going to eat after i figure out how I'm going to smoke.
So tomorrow morning, I'm going to wake up. Slap a patch on my arm/chest/face and give it a go. I'm going to throw my remaining cigarettes in the storm gutter tonight so I can't retrieve them and I'm going to be done with this shit. We shall see if this works. We shall see if I can get the hook out of me. I didn't need anyone's help getting into this mess, but I'm going to need everyone's help to get out of it.
I'm interested in this experiment. I think I'm going to blog about it to discuss what I'm feeling and thinking. The documentation could be interesting, but I'll bet it's the most depressing read ever.
I'm going to go smoke now.
